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 Trail Talk Purity Test

 Check all boxes for which your answer is "yes".
 The "submit" button is at the bottom.


    Trail Pranks
  1. Ever hide a rock in someone else's backpack when they weren't looking?
  2. Was the rock more than five pounds?
  3. Did the victim carry the rock more than a mile?
  4. Ever have a rock slipped into your backpack while you weren't looking?
  5. Did you discover it before hiking a mile?
  6. Ever hide a six-pack of beer or a box of wine in someone else's backpack?
  7. Did you share when it was discovered?
  8. Ever pretend to be a bear so as to scare other hikers in your group?
  9. To scare strangers?
  10. Just for the fun of it without scaring anyone?
  11. Ever put booze into another hiker's water bottle?
  12. Ever put a rubber snake into another camper's sleeping bag?
  13. A real snake?
  14. Ever make strange noises at night to weird out the other campers
  15. Ever lock someone in the privy?
  16. Ever think about leaving a backpacking partner behind to find their own way?
  17. Did you do it?
  18. Ever think about pushing a backpacking partner down a ravine?
  19. Did you do it?


  20. Huts, Shelters, and Lean-tos
  21. Ever have a mouse run over your head while trying to sleep?
  22. Ever act like a weirdo so as to get more space?
  23. Ever piss out the front of the shelter while others were in the shelter?
  24. Ever pack in a mouse trap and see what sort of a score you can rack up in one night?
  25. Ever pack in a pet snake to guard your stuff?
  26. Ever leave a message in a shelter register?
  27. Was it for someone hiking behind you?
  28. Did it include drawings?
  29. Was it obscene?
  30. Ever snored loud enough to wake up everyone in the shelter?
  31. Even woken up beside someone, and you didn't even know his/her name?


  32. Tents, Tarp, etc.
  33. Ever sleep in a tent?
  34. Ever sleep under a tarp?
  35. Ever sleep in a bivy?
  36. Ever sleep in a hammock?
  37. Ever cowboy camp?
  38. Ever have a tent collapse on you while camping?
  39. Ever find out the hard way that the tent / tarp / whatever is no good in the rain?


  40. Games
  41. Ever play fart baseball?
  42. With strangers?
  43. Ever play cat's cradle around the campfire?
  44. Ever use a Frisbee as a dinner plate in camp and then throw it around also?


  45. AT Specific
  46. Ever hear about Ward ‘Chip’ Leonard?
  47. Ever meet Chip?
  48. Did you threaten to plant him under the shelter?
  49. Ever meet the Barefoot Singing Sisters?
  50. Ever meet Baltimore Jack?
  51. Ever meet Hacksaw?
  52. Did you hear him snore?
  53. Ever give any trail magic?
  54. Ever get any trail magic?


  55. Relationships
  56. Do you pick your friends based on whether they hike and backpack?
  57. Is one of the first things you look at with a MOTAS is their legs / butt to see how strong they look?
  58. Do your co workers think you are weird?
  59. Are you unknown to your neighbors because you are always "gone hiking"?


  60. Weather
  61. Do you check the weekend forecast more than once a day?
  62. More than five times a day?
  63. Do you own a NOAA weather radio?
  64. Do you carry it with you backpacking?


  65. Maps
  66. Do you know how to read a topo map?
  67. Do you study / day dream using topo maps?
  68. Have you ever drooled on a topo map?
  69. Do you own a computer based topo map program?
  70. More than one?


  71. Preparedness
  72. Can you get ready for a weekend backpacking trip in less than an hour?
  73. Less than a half hour?
  74. Less than 10 minutes?
  75. Do you keep backpacking supplies and gear in your car/truck at all times?


  76. Gear
  77. Do you own any Goretex clothing?
  78. More than 3 pieces (count a pair of Goretex boots as 1)?
  79. Do you own any titanium equipment?
  80. More than 3 pieces / sets (i.e. 1 set of Ti tent stakes counts as 1)?
  81. Are you boots always dirty / muddy?
  82. Do you own a scale just to check the weight of your gear?
  83. Does it read down to .1 ounce?
  84. Does it read down to 1 gram?
  85. Do you own more than 1 sleeping bag?
  86. More than 3?
  87. Do you own more than one shelter (tent/tarp/bivy/hammock etc.)?
  88. More than 3?
  89. Do you own a bear canister?
  90. More than 1?
  91. Ever argue about your choices in gear?
  92. Ever argue about other peoples choices in gear?
  93. Ever make an alcohol stove?
  94. Ever make a tarp?
  95. Ever make a pack?
  96. Ever lose a hiking stick / trekking pole?
  97. Ever lose a food bag?
  98. To a bear?
  99. Ever have your pack stolen?


  100. Stoves
  101. Ever have a stove flair up?
  102. Ever lose any hair to a fire from a stove?
  103. Ever leave a burn mark in a shelter?
  104. Ever start a brush fire?
  105. That attracted official notice?


  106. Pack Weight
  107. Do you know your pack weight?
  108. To the nearest ounce?
  109. To the nearest .1 ounce?
  110. To the nearest gram?
  111. Do you train with a heavier pack than you will ever use for real?
  112. Is your summer time pack weight less than 40 lb.?
  113. Less than 30 lb. ?
  114. Less than 20 lb.?
  115. Less than 10 lb.?


  116. Food/Cooking
  117. Have you ever cooked a trail meal?
  118. With a white gas stove?
  119. With an alcohol stove?
  120. With a wood burning stove?
  121. With an open fire?
  122. Using a kerosene stove?
  123. Using diesel fuel in a multifuel stove?
  124. Ever run out of food while backpacking?
  125. Was it because of a bear getting the food?
  126. Do you use a bear canister?
  127. Can you hang a line for bear bagging food in less than 10 minutes?
  128. Less than 2 minutes?
  129. Ever have someone (other than yourself) say "I wish I could hang a line that fast"?
  130. Ever cook a backpacking meal that takes more than one pot?
  131. More than 1 stove?
  132. Ever cook something that you felt was not fit to eat?
  133. Did you eat it anyway?
  134. Ever clean a pot with your fingers and water?
  135. Ever clean you pot with leaves or grass (no not that type)?
  136. Ever clean your pot with sand / dirt?
  137. With snow?
  138. Ever have such a mess in the pot you left it until you could use a dishwasher at home?


  139. Nudity
  140. Ever mooned someone while backpacking?
  141. Was it deliberate?
  142. Ever been mooned while backpacking?
  143. Ever seen someone hiking without clothing other than socks and boots / footwear and pack?
  144. Was it a stranger?
  145. Ever backpacked without clothing other than footwear and pack?
  146. Did you tuck a bandanna into your hip belt while hiking without clothes?


  147. Piss, Sh!t and Screw
  148. Ever pissed 'on the trail'?
  149. Was it really on the trail or off to the side?
  150. Ever sh!t in a privy?
  151. Have you ever dug a cat hole?
  152. With your foot?
  153. Have you ever stepped in sh!t someone did not cover up?
  154. Was it your own sh!t?
  155. Ever have your sh!t land completely in the cat hole?
  156. Ever start a fire with your used toilet paper?
  157. Ever see someone you don't know taking a sh!t in the backcountry?
  158. Ever get observed yourself while peeing in the backcountry?
  159. While sh!ting?
  160. Was the observer a stranger?
  161. Was the observer a weirdo?
  162. Do you know what "mountain money" is?
  163. Have you ever had to borrow some?
  164. Ever use a rock instead of toilet paper?
  165. Ever use leaves?
  166. Ever use grass (no not that type) ?
  167. Ever use sticks?
  168. Ever use snow?
  169. Ever use your hand?
  170. Was it your left hand?
  171. Ever deliberately fart where someone would smell it and be disgusted?
  172. Ever share a tent with someone of the opposite sex?
  173. With someone of the same sex?
  174. With any sort of animal?
  175. Ever have an orgasm while camping in the backcountry?
  176. Was it shared with another person?
  177. Was the other person not your spouse?
  178. Was the other person a MOTSS?
  179. Was the other person an animal?
  180. Really an animal?
  181. Ever get distracted on the trail while hiking past a tent whose inhabitants were making very suggestive noises?
  182. Ever get distracted by a couple having sex on or very near the trail without a tent or other visual barrier?
  183. Ever bring a sex toy backpacking?
  184. Was it battery operated?
  185. Did you use it?


  186. Hygiene
  187. Ever taken a bath in a stream?
  188. Were you naked?
  189. Were you observed?
  190. Ever go more than 3 days without a bath on the trail?
  191. More than 5 days?
  192. More than a week?
  193. More than two weeks?
  194. Ever offend someone else with your smell?
  195. Ever been out so long you don't even notice your smell?
  196. Ever get a sudden lust to go backpacking from smelling some sweaty polypro?


  197. Trail Names
  198. Did someone else give you your trail name?
  199. While on the trail / camping?
  200. Do you greet strangers with your trail name?
  201. Do the majority of people you hike with not know your real (or mundane) name?


  202. Forgot ...
  203. Ever forget your water?
  204. Your pack?
  205. Your maps?
  206. Your sleeping bag?
  207. Your tent / tarp / etc. ?
  208. Your stove?
  209. Your food?
  210. Did you discover it after hiking 2 miles?
  211. After 5 miles?
  212. After 10 miles?


  213. Other Events
  214. Ever threaten to assault a mountain biker with your trekking pole?
  215. Did you do it?
  216. Did you succeed in destroying the bike?
  217. Ever fall in a river while hiking?
  218. Did you get your butt wet?
  219. Did you get your head wet?
  220. Did someone else ever have to save your ass while hiking?
  221. Ever get lost without your compass and map?
  222. Was it deliberate?
  223. Ever backpack more than 5 miles in a day?
  224. More than 10 miles?
  225. More than 20 miles?
  226. More than 30 miles?
  227. Ever hiked at night?
  228. Without any artificial light (i.e. by moon / star light) ?
  229. Ever camp somewhere illegally (trespassing or against park regulations) ?
  230. Did you get caught?
  231. Were you able to talk your way out of a ticket?
  232. Ever break any other park rules while carrying illegal things?
  233. Did you get caught?
  234. Ever have a fire in a no fire area?
  235. Did you get caught?
  236. Ever get drunk while camping in the backcountry?
  237. Have a hangover the next day?
  238. Had to hike more than 5 miles with hangover?
  239. More than 10 miles?
  240. More than 20 miles?





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